How do you get an ex back who’s lost feelings for you?
I could tell you a lot of complicated theories, but who really needs that?
Instead I’m going to tell you what worked for me to get back with my ex Dani.
1) What’s the current sitrep?
Firstly, I want you to do a situation report (sitrep) of your current situation with your ex.
Specifically, write down the following information:
- How long ago did you break up?
- What was the main cause of the break up?
- Who was the dumper and who was the dumpee?
- Do you still stay in touch or are you not talking anymore?
- What leads you to believe your ex no longer has feelings for you and what evidence do you have to back up this belief?
Consider this an objective assessment of where you’re at right now.
For the sake of the argument, let’s assume that it’s absolutely true that your ex no longer has feelings for you, that you’re no longer in touch (including blocked by your ex) and that you’re not on good terms at all.
Your ex dumped you, you feel horrible and you have no idea how to get him or her back.
Why be so negative? It’s because I want to start with the worst possible scenario here and show you how even a seemingly hopeless outlook can still turn around.
Let me show you how.
2) Please don’t beg for love
Having a broken heart is bad. It hurts like a bitch. I know, because I’ve had a broken heart more than once.
Your urge is to do everything and anything you can to get rid of this feeling as soon as possible and ignore or supersede the pain.
There are two primary ways people do this:
By hyperfocusing on begging their ex to come back or by engaging in destructive escape behaviors like alcohol, drugs, casual sex and reckless conduct.
Please don’t do either.
When I broke up with my ex Dani after 18 months together I thought it was absolutely game over. But I couldn’t see a future without her.
I only credit not begging her or going overboard with escape behaviors due to a program I was doing called the Ex Factor from relationship coach Brad Browning.
This guy is so for real, and he shows simple things you can do to get your ex back as well as what to avoid.
You simply can’t beg your ex to take you back or rely on pity! Even if he or she does, the respect foundation of the relationship will be utterly destroyed.
I really urge you to check out Brad’s free video here where he explains how to get your ex back, and meanwhile I’m going to continue on with this list…
3) Hit pause for a minute
One of the hardest things about how to get an ex back who has lost feelings for you is that you need to override this desire to run after them.
You want them back, you’re hurting and your heart feels stomped in a million pieces.
But if you run and beg and cry, you’re only harming yourself and your chances.
Instead, you need to hit pause for a minute.
Do the assessment like I said, and also think about what you want in terms of getting back together and how it could go.
Picture a best and worst-case scenario.
Be honest about the cause of your breakup.
If you enter back into a relationship with your ex, what’s to prevent the exact same problem from occurring?
How have you or they changed or modified yourself or your expectations in a way that would prevent a similar disaster from happening once again?
4) Rebuild your own life
When you hit the pause button on going after your ex, you give yourself time to get your own life in order.
No matter how good it’s going, I bet it can be better.
I’m talking physical and mental health, career progress, hobbies, goals and other friends and family that you want to connect with.
Rebuilding your life is an open-ended project, and if you’re in the recovery of a bad breakup it’s likely the last thing you want to do.
But the busier you are the more you’re going to feel some of your personal power returning and your spark for life coming back.
This is your time, when you can recover a feeling of your own worth and agency.
Earlier I talked about not immediately running after your ex. It’s crucial that you rebuild things from your end.
But before you do try harder to get in touch or invite your ex back into your life, you also want to ask yourself whether you’re actually ready – and whether your ex is.
The fact of the matter is that a little bit of give and take is going to be necessary to get back together in almost all situations.
5) Are you willing to compromise?
I know we don’t want to hear the C-word or really talk about it. But we need to get into it.
I’m talking about compromise.
This is a bit of a balancing act, in reality.
You must maintain your boundaries and dealbreakers in reentering a relationship, but you also must be willing to shift at least slightly in understanding your ex’s needs and desires.
If there are certain things they just can’t accept about you and your life, or vice versa, these may need to be negotiated.
Even historical warring countries have eventually had to come to a negotiating table and work out their issues.
If generals and presidents can sit down and look their enemies in the eye and still compromise, you and your ex can do it.
I’m not saying it will be easy, but in many situations it will be possible.
6) Reinitiate contact with your ex
At this point, in at least some small way, you want to be reinitiating contact with your ex.
If that means saying you’re OK being “friends” or just being polite and keeping updated on your life, then go for it.
The important thing is to be saved on their contact list in some way or form.
If you get back in their life in any way, don’t overdo it.
Your goal here is to be focused on your own life.
You leave the door potentially open for your ex to come back in your life, but you don’t roll out the red carpet for them.
7) Mirror your ex’s behavior
If your ex doesn’t have feelings for you, it’s obviously a lot more difficult to get back with them than an ex who does still like you.
At the same time, there’s some good news here:
Your ex had feelings for you once, and they can have feelings for you again.
It’s important that you mirror your ex’s behavior. If they’re cold or neutral towards you in messages, be the same.
If they warm up a bit, do the same (although with a bit of lag time).
You want to be more or less mirroring the emotional states of your ex rather than try to talk them into any other state of being or emotions.
I’ve mentioned the Ex Back program and how much it helped me get my ex Dani back after she blocked me and lost almost all her feelings for me.
The other secret weapon which helped me immeasurably was talking to a relationship coach.
I used a site called Relationship Hero where certified love coaches help guide you through the ups and downs of things like breakups and getting back an ex who seems completely done with you.
Before starting Brad’s program and talking to a coach at Relationship Hero I never would have imagined that I had a chance to get Dani back.
But they got me to slow down and approach the situation in a much more realistic and effective way.
And that honestly made all the difference!
8) Get out of your brain box
Talking to a coach and doing Brad’s program while simultaneously rebuilding my life was a very effective three-part approach.
The key behind all of it was this:
- A clear understanding of what went wrong
- A clear understanding of how to potentially fix it
- Full acceptance of the limits of my control and accepting it might not go my way
- Getting out of my head
That last point is so, so important here, which is why I want to focus on it.
Our own imaginations and brains can be our worst enemy when it comes to love.
We over-analyze, worry, second-guess and end up sitting and feeling helpless, alone and suffering so needlessly.
A breakup already hurts so badly, without adding to it by imaging what our ex partner could be doing or stalking their social media to find out.
You need to take this time to rediscover your own center of integrity and action.
Focusing on what your ex is doing or bending to their will or response to you will absolutely kill your chances.
You need to let them come to you.
9) Maintain your frame
Getting out of overthinking or guessing what your ex does or doesn’t feel is all about maintaining your frame.
Your frame is essentially your reality.
In the film Catch Me If You Can starring Leo Dicaprio, for example, we see a man who is so good at inhabiting different frames that he convinces people he’s a pilot, a doctor and many other professions solely on the basis of his incredibly strong belief in himself and ability to blend in.
The true story shows the power of frame.
When you truly inhabit a frame, you’re not faking: you’re living it.
If your frame is that you deserve love and are a worthy, beautiful and loving person, then you will accept nothing less than what fits within that frame.
Abuse, dismissal and game playing will deflect off you like a puck off the goalie’s pads in hockey and you’ll swat that sh*t away.
This relates back to what Brad Browning explained about getting your ex back.
He’s helped so many couples get back together and the key to his program is understanding the value of frame and your own power.
10) Who’s your favorite celebrity?
Who’s your favorite celebrity?
I don’t like most pop culture or care very much, but I’ve had my childhood heroes including a pretty wicked crush on Scarlett Johannsen (don’t let Dani read this).
Here’s the thing about celebs:
There’s a clear relationship worked out between a famous person and other people: it’s a fan-object relationship.
They’re on a pedestal, you’re asking for their attention and loving and watching what they do.
If you treat your ex like a celebrity (or any partner for that matter) he or she will treat you like a fan.
Solution? Don’t do it.
Treat your ex like any other person. Yes you care about them and want them in your life, but in no sense should you ever bow down like you’re performing an ancient ritual and beg and ululate in their adoration.
If you treat them like they’re more valuable than you, you make them more valuable than you, wrecking the chances of getting back together.
11) Move on with your life
Treat your ex normally, be back in their life and then once again move on with your life.
When you have the chance, you can show this individual that you have changed.
But never make too great a show of it.
If you have a big talk with them that gets dramatic, don’t try to make your case like an impassioned defense attorney.
Give them a summary of your intentions and how you’re changing but whatever you do:
Do not oversell.
Overselling and trying too hard to get back with an ex is the number one cause of not getting back with an ex.
If you don’t care at all and don’t even answer their messages that’s no good either, but you really want to be focusing on your own life and not thinking of getting your ex back as your primary priority.
You can show your ex that you’ve changed, that you’re willing to compromise, that you want to be a support and a net plus in their life.
But you must never try to grovel or demonstrate that you will do anything to get back together.
That’s like writing a blank check to someone with a grudge: you never know what could happen!
They might even rip it up just to spite you.
12) Moderate your own emotions
That brings up point 12: you have to learn to moderate your own emotions if you’re trying to get back an ex who lost feelings for you.
Don’t hang on their every message and response or obsess about whether they might be dating someone new.
I realize that’s easier said than done, but the key thing is to realize that what’s out of your control will only frustrate and sadden you.
Instead, you must focus on what’s in your control which is how you choose to respond to your own emotions.
If you feel anxious or sad about your ex and the process of inviting them back into your life, this is entirely normal.
But don’t let that turn you into taking a ride on a manic-depressive roller coaster that goes off the rails and lands in a toxic dump.
You want to maintain your frame here, as I’ve been saying.
A huge, if not central part of maintaining your frame is learning not to impulsively or immediately respond to your emotions and the changing events of your comeback tour with your ex.
Remember that your worth and wellbeing never depends on somebody else no matter how much you love them.
Hoping that the best one is the last one
We all hope that the best one is the last one when it comes to love.
If you broke up with an ex who you still love and they no longer give a damn about you then you’re probably feeling in the dark and without a map like I was a few months ago.
When Dani and I broke up it undermined so much of what I’d built my identity and worth on.
In retrospect I can see that was a mistake, and working with a love coach as well as learning to rebuild my own center of gravity starting with me were completely key to turning things around.
I let Dani come back to me.
It took a few months and quite a few times when I had to fully let go of outcome with no idea whether she really would come back.
That surrender and the energy around it is what I believe allowed me to move into a frame of my own worth and power.
It’s what ultimately drew her back to me and showed her I was the guy for her.
There are never guarantees in love, but if you follow my advice in this article I truly believe you have a good shot of getting back an ex who’s lost feelings for you.
Brad Browning’s program is once again something I really recommend here as well.
He shows how you can cut across all the worry, anxiety and doubt and get results and answers much sooner than you think.